I love chocolate cake. I mean I fucking L O V E chocolate cake more than sex. If I had to choose between coitus and ganache, I would douse myself with warm chocolate mousse any day of the week.

Would like to be feminized. Oddly enough, consider myself a completely straight male, but to be forced to act/dress female and be “used” as such by another male is a turn on.

I wish I could destroy things with my penis. Physical things like walls and cinderblocks, and also abstract things like relationships, plans, beliefs etc.

I love one of my four children more than the others.

I said some horrible things to my closest friend that she didn’t deserve after what was a misunderstanding and hurt feelings on my part. I’ve been too ashamed and too gutless to call her and apologise for nearly 10 years, despite missing her every single day.

My best friend had been dating this guy for 4 years when he slept with a friend of hers (who I never really liked). She went through about 30-40 magazines pulling out all the mail-in order sheets. Anything that said “Bill me later” was filled out in her name. This included magazines, dolls, xmas ornaments and so much more. She knew we did it but never did anything about it.

Almost got kicked out of university in my last semester because I got caught shoplifting from the university bookstore. Stole a 25 cent pen because i didn’t want to wait in line, got nabbed, grovelled like a motherfucker and did some community service and they let me finish my degree and get the hell out of town.

I’ve been depressed for long time, but talking about problems is a bit taboo in my family. It’s looked down upon. Because of this, I tend to believe I’m making everything up and that I’m not really sad. I’m good at hiding it and only told a couple of my friends. Sometimes, I wonder what it’ll be like if I tried seeking help for it, but I can’t do that now. I don’t have any health insurance and if I told my parents, they would think of me as a liar and a nuisance.

I have herpes, a small penis, and I’m a premature ejaculator. I also let my dog lick my dick when I was a little kid.

You know that friend that everyone secretly hates? The one that everyone keeps around so they can all bond over their secret, plot group pranks on you to stand you up at the movies and leave you with popcorn and drinks for everyone on your twelve-year-old salary? Yeah, that’s me. Hope you have fun shitting on my life. You know I’ll just come back because I have no other fucking choice. So laugh away.